If I Feel Great, Disregard it
Don't Think I Need You To Attend
Or You To Condescend
So I Could See You Again

Things have been going better at work. I think my collaborator and I will have no problem wrapping things up for the CIRP paper. Phantastic!

I feel sort of crummy and good at the same time right now. I'm thinking about where I was last year at this time. I was pursuing a girl who I grew to care deeply about (she was the motivation for the athleticism which spurred my crippling squash injury). She hated the holidays. Last Christmas she went home to her family, who are kind of screwed up, and she emailed me numerous times, complaining and kind of upset at times. This was when I started to really feel like I understood her. We started dating early in the winter last year and I felt pretty serious about her.

Now here I am a year later, healed physically and crippled emotionally. We aren't together anymore. It is kind of depressing, but really for the best in the end. She hated other holidays too. I have a really nice, girl's Valentine's day gift, in my closet. As well, I have a present for her, that I carried all across Europe, that she doesn't care to receive.

When I came home from my trip, she had left for a 3 month missionary trip in Mongolia. I supported her doing this, because she told me that this was what she wants to do with her life. She was unhappy as a daycare worker, and she said that this was what she felt called to do.

She returned at the beginning of September. I met her at the airport with her aunt, whom she lives with now. She ignored me there. I assumed it was due to the long flight and tried not to feel bad. She didn't call me for like 5 days after she was in town. We met finally, a week after she returned and I already assumed the worst. She broke it off, saying that she didn't "want a relationship at this point in her life".

Where is she now? She's apparently saving up for going away to Bible College (or for going to a local one). I don't think she's with anyone right now, and I'm trying not to trust my jealous instincts when I see her with other guys from my church. I struggle at times with being angry with her for leading me to believe that she was serious about me, when she only cares about what she thinks she's called to do. Do I want her to be happy? Sure I do. Do I think this is going to make her happy? I reserve judgement but I lean towards no. I think she's running away from some things by doing this, and she's afraid to admit these things.

So why am I writing this? I felt compelled. I needed to admit to myself that this still hurts me. Do I want to be back with her? Nope. Do I want to be with someone else? If I knew what I was looking for, this would be easier. I'm guilty of not knowing what I want right now. I dated this girl because I liked her and I thought we had beliefs in common. I don't feel like beliefs seem to be any great guarantee of compatibility anymore. Maybe there are some better indicators out there, but I don't think musical taste or fashion are necessarily any better. What's a boy supposed to do? There are no guarantees, I guess. Maybe what they say is true, that you'll find someone right for you, when you aren't looking.

Listening To : The Dandy Warhols - Retarded

Comments: EMail me -




I Keep Turning You Over and Over..
But You're Never Gonna Be a Four Leaf Clover

I feel somewhat psycho lately, as I haven't been leaving the house enough. I finished Code Veronica 2 days ago and I'm already going through Zombie Head Shooting withdrawal. Gotta finish the ol' thesis so I can go get me some new GameCube games.

So here's the latest mix I made, late last night while I was coming off my caffienation for the day:

01. The Smiths - Hand In Glove
02. The Pixies - Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons
03. Blur - There's No Other Way
04. the Brian Jonestown Massacre - Wisdom
05. Sleater-Kinney - One Beat
06. Harvey Danger - Sad Sweetheart of the Rodeo
07. Imperial Drag - Spyder
08. Catherine - Four Leaf Clover
09. Sonic Youth - Total Trash
10. Primrods - He 177
11. The New Pornographers - Mass Romantic
12. the Dandy Warhols - Nothing (Lifestyle of a Tortured Artist for Sale)
13. the Beta Band - Gone
14. the Rentals - So Soon
15. Television - Venus
16. Cibo Matto - King of Silence
17. bis - listen up
18. System of a Down - The Metro

So yeah, I guess my sleep deprived identity crisis is kind of reflected in this one... (Gee i listen to a lot of "The" bands..)

I think there was a guy in a van watching me from the infamous zoomtard intersection last night while I was typing. I got my camera out, but he saw and drove away. Am I seeing things?? Have I managed to get the Yakuza on my case yet? A stalker? Capt. Zoomtard's Dad?? I will be vigilant!!!

Listening To : Primrods - He 177 (I COULD JUST.... FLY)

Comments: EMail me -