Things have been going better
at work. I think my collaborator and I will have no problem
wrapping things up for the CIRP paper. Phantastic!
I feel sort of crummy and good
at the same time right now. I'm thinking about where I was last
year at this time. I was pursuing a girl who I grew to care
deeply about (she was the motivation for the athleticism which
spurred my crippling squash injury). She hated the holidays.
Last Christmas she went home to her family, who are kind of
screwed up, and she emailed me numerous times, complaining and
kind of upset at times. This was when I started to really feel
like I understood her. We started dating early in the winter
last year and I felt pretty serious about her.
Now here I am a year later, healed
physically and crippled emotionally. We aren't together anymore.
It is kind of depressing, but really for the best in the end.
She hated other holidays too. I have a really nice, girl's Valentine's
day gift, in my closet. As well, I have a present for her, that
I carried all across Europe, that she doesn't care to receive.
When I came home from my trip,
she had left for a 3 month missionary trip in Mongolia. I supported
her doing this, because she told me that this was what she wants
to do with her life. She was unhappy as a daycare worker, and
she said that this was what she felt called to do.
She returned at the beginning
of September. I met her at the airport with her aunt, whom she
lives with now. She ignored me there. I assumed it was due to
the long flight and tried not to feel bad. She didn't call me
for like 5 days after she was in town. We met finally, a week
after she returned and I already assumed the worst. She broke
it off, saying that she didn't "want a relationship at
this point in her life".
Where is she now? She's apparently
saving up for going away to Bible College (or for going to a
local one). I don't think she's with anyone right now, and I'm
trying not to trust my jealous instincts when I see her with
other guys from my church. I struggle at times with being angry
with her for leading me to believe that she was serious about
me, when she only cares about what she thinks she's called to
do. Do I want her to be happy? Sure I do. Do I think this is
going to make her happy? I reserve judgement but I lean towards
no. I think she's running away from some things by doing this,
and she's afraid to admit these things.
So why am I writing this? I felt
compelled. I needed to admit to myself that this still hurts
me. Do I want to be back with her? Nope. Do I want to be with
someone else? If I knew what I was looking for, this would be
easier. I'm guilty of not knowing what I want right now. I dated
this girl because I liked her and I thought we had beliefs in
common. I don't feel like beliefs seem to be any great guarantee
of compatibility anymore. Maybe there are some better indicators
out there, but I don't think musical taste or fashion are necessarily
any better. What's a boy supposed to do? There are no guarantees,
I guess. Maybe what they say is true, that you'll find someone
right for you, when you aren't looking.
