So last month I happend to pick up a copy
of Maxim magazine, not a usual thing for me, but I felt strangely
compelled to after thumbing through it at a gas station. You
see, aside from the killer kick-ass ad for mints (featuring
Thora Birch... *regains composure*), there was another ad...
for the upcoming DOA - XTREME Beach Volleyball game. Check it
out:
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HEY FANBOYS - START JERKIN'
NOW CUZ CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!
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You can click for a
larger version if you wanna verify my claims of what
this ad says. First of all... it starts with the immortal
"Tissues sold separately."
I can just imagine the
ad executive and game designer at the meeting about
how they were going to sell the game:
AD GUY: So tell me
about this game we're selling for you... make it quick,
I'm goin' to the peelers for a meeting with the guy
from Namco to see how we can use our skills to sell
Ms. Pac Man.
TECMO DESIGNER: Well, we took the most famous thing
from our previous DOA fighting games, namely our patented
Boob Jiggle Algorithm, and put it into a sports conext.
AD GUY: I love those
sports games, it's like watching sports whenever I want.
Even if I just kicked a hooker out the door at 4 in
the morning. Hate those goddamn fighting games though...
too many fuckin' buttons.
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TECMO DESIGNER:
Yes, market research says that modern gamers dislike "challenge"
and like "winning". Research also suggested "more
boobs" and "one handed operation" were desired
features. Actually, we did some statistics on our arcade operations
and in some arcades, the male characters had never been chosen.
Some people were complaining that our previous games were "too
easy" and "lacked technique", but they were less
than 10% of our customer base. Head office thinks those players
have got the gay.
AD GUY:
Head Office... heh heh heh. I see what we gotta do, we've gotta
sell the boobs. And make sure we mention in "locker room
terms" that you can totally jerk to this game. Tissues, get
it! I'm a fuckin' genius! When I was in highschool, those goddamn
anime club pussies were fuckin' themselves over giant eyeballed
line drawings... we can hook them into buying this because they
haven't figured out that being with a real woman is much more
satisfying. I'm gonna run with this one. Is it okay if I add some
orgasm references, like these big-titty women want you to play
the game because it'll make 'em come?
TECMO DESIGNER:
Fine with me!
AD GUY: *buzz* Janet, cancel
my meeting with the Namco guy... Tell 'em my idea is to put
fuckin' huge sphere boobs on Ms. Pac Man and they'll increase
their share 15%. Erect fuckin' sphere nipples too.
IF I'D KNOWN ME MAKING WOMEN PLAY
VOLLEYBALL WOULD MAKE THEM CUM, I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT LIFETIME
MEMBERSHIPS AT THE VOLLEYDOME FOR ME AND A SPECIAL GUEST. EASIER
THAN GOING DOWN ON THEM, I GUESS.
So I didn't buy the ad to jerk
to it, if you didn't sense the "sarcastic tone" in
my characterization of the Ad Guy. As much as I like a good
fap session, this type of advertising totally skews public perception
of gamers. Namely that male gamers would rather spend saturday
night with a video game rather than a real woman. Futhermore,
male gamers must all be immature and find shitty recycled jokes
to be the height of comic genius.
Most women already think that
gamer guys are fucking dorks... not in a "cute and interesting"
way, but in a "not worth talking to" way. Let's face
it. I've had more than one girlfriend be embarrassed by the
fact that I've had DDR goin' on at my house parties. I've had
girls I've dated be shocked when I tell them that I enjoy hanging
at an arcade every once in a while. The stigma comes from these
sorts of images (or images of exaggerated fandom, like comic
book guy from the Simpsons) being tied to gamers. From stuff
like this you get attitudes like, "Gamers are all sexist,
chronic masturbators, and objectifiers of women". Of course,
this started somewhere between now and the time Cammy first
put her thong on in SSF2... it's not new, and lots of damage
has been done. Or maybe it was Custer's Revenge for the 2600
(I'm sure they'd call the sequel "Custer's Revenge 2 -
Pokahotass EXTREME" nowadays).
And seriously, if guys are buying
a video game for sexual gratification, they're looking in the
wrong fucking place. If you want visual stimulation, get *gasp*
REAL PORN. Hypothetically, I would probably join suicidegirls
if I was to join a paysite. I don't belong to any, however,
because:
1) My internet ethos revolves
around free porn.
2) My Mom reads my credit
card bills. And I'm fucking 24. SO MUCH FOR PRIVACY! Dammit
I need to move out. Note to self: STOP REINFORCING STEREOTYPES...
er...
If you're thinking about using
a video game for physical stimulation, this
article has a rantage about the Rez vibrator from a feminist
perspective. /Dev/Null says to buy a real vibrator. Don't go
sticking a PS2 dual shock up your ass. Then Sony'd have to put
a warning label on it. Everyone would think gamers were into
hardcore console penetration.
